Be My Strength
by Clair De Lune Reves
Summary: Sometimes our own strength is not enough. When Saix disobeys orders to stay out of a mission, he finds himself in a desperate situation and in need of that strength. It doesn't take long for Xemnas to realize that he's the only one who can give it to him.


Peace.

Was that too much to ask for?

Just peace.

Was peace something Nobodies were allowed to aspire to? Would they ever be allowed to rest, to be in peace?

Of course not.

Why would this wish be granted to them; they, who had no right to exist. They were beings of light and dark, and yet they lacked the most vital piece of the puzzle: they lacked the hearts to truly be alive, to truly matter.

No, this was the way it was for them. They would plan. They would calculate. They would do whatever they could to reach the completion of Kingdom Hearts, or whatever suited their own personal scheme for the future. But would they ever truly have peace?

Not a day went by that they didn't fight some kind of battle, not a day of quiet, of… peace.

No, it truly appeared that everything was against them. No one to speak for them, except for themselves… And did they even have each other in the end? This question was quite relevant, as each and every Nobody had a separate dream for the future, a separate want, a separate need…

No, maybe in the end, all he had was himself.

The blue-haired Nobody sighed, looking out of the window at the light of the shining moon, his only companion. He then succumbed to the darkness of sleep.

* * *

When dealing with the Superior of Organization XIII, there were a few simple rules to be followed.

For one, you needed to listen to his word first and foremost. It didn't matter how many of the other members had told a different opinion, for they were not the Superior.

For two, you never, ever, bothered the man when he was working. When he was in his office and the door was closed, then it meant he was reviewing paperwork, checking records and dates, and absolutely not interested in talking.

And for three, none of these rules ever seemed to apply to Xigbar.

No, Number II wasn't much afraid of breaking rules, nor did he think much about the consequences. Xigbar thought of one thing and one thing only, and that was doing whatever the hell it was that he wanted.

So it wasn't much of a surprise on the day in question when Xemnas found the door to his office opening, none other than Xigbar appearing before him. The Superior noticed a small stack of papers clutched in the Freeshooter's hand, and he couldn't help but pity the poor Nobody who had taken time to write all the words out so perfectly just to have Xigbar crumple the paper.

"Yo, Superior, I thought you might want to see this latest report. It's from Zexion, about… Well, the latest incident."

Xemnas nodded his head, motioning to his desk.

"Then leave it here, I'll review it later."

Xigbar merely held his hand up and surrounded the paper in Darkness, warping the stack onto the desk. Ah, so it was Zexion who spent so much time to make the papers perfect. He wouldn't be happy to hear how his efforts had been for naught.

"Thank you, Xigbar, if that's all, then I'm quite busy at the moment."

Xigbar chuckled.

"I'll bet, what with everything that's been happening. But seriously, that's all you have to say? You don't want to know about any new developments, how he's doing, what the hell he was thinking?"

"Number II, that's enough. When I wish to know Number VII's reasoning, I'll ask him."

Xigbar mumbled something that sounded strangely like "better not waste any time, then," before shrugging his shoulders in a nonchalant way.

"Whatever you say, Xemnas. I've got to go bother Vexen about getting his newest report in anyway. Which means I'll see you later."

"Unfortunately." Xemnas couldn't help find himself mutter as the Freeshooter left with that smirk on his face. Insults seemed to be the least of Xigbar's concern. Unless he choose, himself, to overreact, of course.

Xemnas sighed, picking up Zexion's report and glancing at the first page. He didn't want to read it, not this soon after… the events in question. But Zexion's account would be one of the clearest, since he and Demyx had been present… The other question was if he even needed to read it. Everything that he needed answered couldn't be answered by anyone other than one person… And that person was the last one he wanted to confront.

* * *

_"There's been a presence of unknown Heartless in the world of Halloween Town for a few days now, and I believe that we can't ignore it. The presence also seems to be multiplying, which makes it an even more dangerous situation."_

_Zexion, despite his young age, never expected anything less than respect. He was respectful to those around him, and he looked for the same treatment in return. He was pleasantly getting just what he wanted on the day in question, for his sense of Darkness was one of the strongest in the castle. Also because this new threat had him slightly worried, and he didn't bother hiding it in his voice. This situation needed to be made serious, and now._

_Xemnas nodded as he considered the Schemer's words, carefully planning the next move. Zexion had been following the Darkness in Halloween Town for about a week now, and a few days ago he began to speak of a dangerous Heartless forming there; especially dangerous because it took its captured hearts and ate them instead of releasing them. And what's more, there appeared to be at least a couple of them there._

_It was no time to go on ignoring the Heartless now, as Zexion had stated. They had to rid of them immediately._

_"Zexion is right, and the time has come to take care of this interference. As has been stated, there are more than one Heartless to be dealt with, which is why a small team of the best, most dependable shall be going."_

_The majority of the Organization nodded in agreement, only a select few sighing in annoyance, one of those being Axel._

_"I never get picked for the fun missions."_

_Luxord shook his head from beside the red-head, giving him a cunning smirk._

_"Which clearly points out that you're not the most dependable, Number VIII."_

_Axel scowled, but their Superior hushed all further conversation._

_"The group that shall depart to Halloween Town is as follows: Numbers II, III, X, and XI. You will all gather anything that you need tonight, and leave first thing in the morning to stop this threat. Is that understood?"_

_The four in question all nodded, Xemnas motioning with his hand that everyone was dismissed. The sound of Dark Portals opening rang around the room, one by one the members leaving the meeting area. All except for two._

_"Superior, if I may speak to you…?"_

_Xemnas simply nodded, almost as if he had expected the remaining member to question his earlier statement. In truth, he had._

_"Of course, Saïx, you may speak."_

_Saïx nodded, a slightly confused expression on his face._

_"I do not mean any disrespect in my questioning, Superior, but I cannot help but wonder: why am I not a part of the group that you've chosen? You know I am willing to help, and I've proven myself to you many times before, so why do you not trust me with this mission?"_

_"Saïx, it's not that I don't trust you with the mission, but I do believe that all the ones who have been chosen are perfectly capable to handle this themselves."_

_"And I am not?"_

_"Perhaps. But I'm afraid that whether you like it or not, you'll be sitting this mission out. I have chosen the members I believe can handle this best, regardless of how many times you have proven yourself. The members chosen are just as capable of succeeding, which you are well aware."_

_"But sir, please-"_

_"This conversation is over, Number VII. I know you believe it's unfair to not send you on a mission such as this, of such high importance, but my decision is final. This is one mission I cannot risk you on."_

_Silence met the last remark, Saïx quickly masking the betrayed expression that had flashed across his face. Although, the anger in his eyes couldn't be contained._

_"I understand, Superior. I'm sorry to have bothered you with my questions."_

_"Not at all. You may go."_

_The sound of a Portal of Darkness and the Superior of the Organization found himself alone._

_Even though he found the burning image of Saïx's yellow eyes still in his mind._

* * *

It was late by the time Xemnas finished reviewing Zexion's report. The young man was quite thorough with his work, and this time had been no different.

Setting the papers aside, Xemnas thought it time to review the notes of all the submitted reports he had already- when a knock sounded at the office door.

This most certainly wasn't Xigbar this time, as the knock had sounded more quiet and timid. Also the fact that there was a knock in the first place ruled the Freeshooter out.

"Yes?" Xemnas called, finding the door open to reveal the Nocturne glancing around the corner.

"Umm, I hope I'm not bothering you or anything, Superior, but Xiggy asked me to drop this off with you."

Xemnas nodded, Demyx entering and waving a few pages around.

"Just got done with my own report, and this one is Vexen's latest one. That's what Xiggy wanted me to bring, actually."

Demyx didn't want to be there, that much was plainly obvious. Xemnas had a guess as to what the reason was, as well.

Demyx wasn't happy how the Superior was seemingly ignoring the situation at hand…

"Thank you, Number IX, I'll begin on these immediately."

Demyx placed the paperwork on Xemnas's desk, before looking up at the older man critically.

"You know, you could go get some reporting done firsthand, right? I mean, it would be better, more firsthand and all… Right?"

"Number IX, once I complete the reports being given by the others, then I'll be able to do just as you say."

Demyx stared at him for a long moment, before sighing and glancing to the floor.

"Xigbar was right, I guess it is useless… But hey, I had to try…" Demyx looked up, smiling slightly. "I guess I'll go get some firsthand reporting done, then. I hope you have time later, Superior."

And with that the Nocturne gave a small wave and left the office.

Xemnas stared after him for a long moment. Maybe he would take the Nocturne's advice and go do some "reporting" himself, and also to find an explanation…

Xemnas sighed. He would… after he finished the reports.

* * *

_It was late at night. Other than that one fact there wasn't much else that he was certain of. Besides the fact that he had been in the middle of working when suddenly frantic knocking had come to his door._

_Xemnas had glared up in annoyance, before standing to go find out for himself who was making such a show knocking on a door._

_He was only halfway across the office when the knocker decided that waiting wasn't really in their style and the door flew open, panicked aqua eyes meeting confused gold._

_"Superior, you have to come with me, quick!"_

_Demyx was completely out of breath, but he didn't seem to even notice._

_"And what, may I ask, is going on, Number-"_

_"Please, Superior, now! Zexion, he, he's already there, ahead of us! Please come on!"_

_Xemnas was about to object once more and ask just what in the hell was going on, when Demyx raised a gloved hand, a Portal of Darkness opening up at his call. And before Xemnas could ask his question, Demyx had already rushed through the portal, leaving Xemnas to ponder if he wanted to follow or just leave the Nocturne to wander alone._

_His curiosity won in the end, and he stepped through the Darkness with an agitated expression. The pull of the Darkness instantly surrounded him, but it held no power over a being such as himself._

_And once he stepped through the new portal his confusion only grew more. Halloween Town? What was Demyx thinking bringing him here? Speaking of Demyx…_

_Xemnas looked all around, finally spotting the younger Nobody on a path up ahead, frantically waving his arms as if talking to someone. The Superior scowled, walking up the path towards the Nocturne. Upon approach, he realized that Demyx was indeed speaking with someone: Zexion, to be exact, the young Nobody glancing around in every direction._

_"Number IV, I expect an explanation for all of this…"_

_Zexion turned to stare at Xemnas, bowing his head._

_"Of course, Superior, I'm very sorry to have bothered you. It's just… Saïx…"_

_"Yes, what about Number VII?"_

_"Well, he…"_

_"He's here." Demyx suddenly said, tiring of the time being wasted._

_"He's… here?"_

_Zexion nodded, a tinge of worry in his gaze._

_"Demyx met him in one of the hallways, sir. Saïx was ready to go on a mission, but he told Demyx to stay out of it… I can't really say why Demyx had a bad feeling about the whole conversation, but it appeared that he did. I happened to be near, so Demyx asked me to verify where Saïx was going, and the Darkness lead us here…"_

_"But why would Saïx come here?"_

_"We believe to complete the mission assigned for tomorrow. Once the meeting had ended… Well, Saïx wasn't pleased with the outcome, Superior. I think he may believe he has something to prove…"_

_Something, to prove? No, Saïx wouldn't do this, he wouldn't disobey him and come to a place such as this, to do a mission he told him to stay away from… But then, why did Xemnas believe every word Zexion was telling him…_

_Without another word, Xemnas began down the trail, not bothering to check if his subordinates were following._

* * *

It was a strange feeling, to want to know the answers, and at the same time to avoid the very way to obtain those answers. Was it guilt? No, what a strange option.

Nobodies could not feel guilt. Although, whatever was bothering him, he didn't care for it much at all.

Was there really only one way to get rid of this guilt?

Xemnas sighed.

Of course there was only one way- he had to go talk to Saïx. He had to know why his Second-in-Command had disobeyed his direct orders, why he had gone…

He left his office, hardly noticing the change in scenery. No, he had other things on his mind.

Why Saïx…? Why did it have to be Saïx?

Of course he didn't wish anything to happen to his Organization, his own members.

But still, why Saïx? He hadn't seen him since the day of the incident, which had been near a week ago, and the truth was that he wasn't sure if he could face him now. There had to be a reason behind his reckless actions, and Xemnas had a strange feeling that he was somehow connected with this reason.

He wasn't sure how long it had taken or even how he had gotten to the room where Vexen wanted Saïx to stay. He hadn't even noticed walking. But this had to be done, no matter if he wanted to face the truth or not… He had to be strong, to be strong for Saïx.

Xemnas placed his hand upon the doorknob…

For Saïx…

* * *

_The scene of battle was hard to ignore. There were trees overturned, uprooted from the ground even, and the earth around them was unlevel from attacks. The air had a sense of urgency to it, almost an electric charge brought forth by the aftermath of war._

_Only, where were the participants of this war? There were no Heartless in sight, though by the amount of Darkness there some had definitely been there. And not just "some," rather, a couple of quite powerful breeds._

_But Xemnas wasn't concerned with the Heartless or their fate at the present. He was only concerned about the fate of one of his members._

_Zexion and Demyx arrived only moments after their Superior, though the eldest there didn't notice them. He was surveying the ground, looking for any traces at all, something…_

_Like a familiar light blue._

_Leaving the accompanying members, Xemnas quickly made his way across the battlefield, slowing only when he was able to see the young Neophyte more clearly. He cautiously approached the Diviner, finding fresh scars upon his flesh, his coat and the clothes he wore under it ripped and shredded._

_He kneeled down and carefully laid a hand on Saïx's cheek._

_Shining yellow eyes wearily opened and Saïx gazed up at Xemnas in an almost questioning way, as if he was convinced that his eyes were deceiving him._

_"Superior..? What are-"_

_His voice was distant, only vague traces of his usual proud tone heard._

_He seemed to consider his current sentence irrelevant, closing his eyes for a moment in shame before opening them again._

_"I'm sorry, Superior…"_

_And with that, unconsciousness overtook the Diviner._

_Xemnas stared at him only a moment longer, before gently working his hands under Saïx, picking him up and holding him in his arms._

_Zexion and Demyx were surveying the damage not far away, though Demyx kept casting uneasy glances towards his Superior and Second-in-Command. Zexion was also glancing towards them, standing up straight and abandoning his investigating when Xemnas approached._

_"What's happened?"_

_"It appears that Saïx has managed to subdue and defeat our Heartless threat. This world is now at a safe level of Heartless…"_

_Xemnas nodded, when Demyx raised a hand and opened a Portal of Darkness before him._

_"You two continue your search, just in case, then report back to the castle once you've completed, understood?"_

_Both Nobodies nodded, Xemnas looking back towards Saïx._

_"I'm returning to the castle to get immediate medical attention for Saïx."_

_Again the two Nobodies nodded, worry in their eyes as they watched their Superior leave through the Darkness._

* * *

The room was dark when Xemnas entered, only the moonlight that was streaming through the window casting any light at all. Vexen had been quite insistent that Saïx be kept where the light of the moon could reach him, and Xemnas couldn't help but to agree.

Moonlight had such a magical effect when it fell upon the Diviner. Though Xemnas was quite certain that it was Saïx who gave the moonlight its beauty, and not the other way around…

Saïx's eyes were closed and his breathing was even, appearing in a much-needed sleep. The scars were still clear upon him, though the blood had been cleaned and the wounds tended to.

Xemnas couldn't help but notice the weary expression the Luna Diviner wore. It appeared that as much as he needed sleep, he hadn't been resting much. But then, that was Saïx in the end. Some of the members questioned if he ever slept at all. Though the truth was that he did. Only, very little.

Xemnas walked around the bed, gazing at Saïx the entire time. Why did he feel like this was all his fault? Why did he feel so… Helpless?

Softly, Xemnas began to run his fingers through Saïx's hair, feeling the cool, silky sensation as he did. The moonlight and Saïx really were made for each other.

"Superior?"

Xemnas was pulled from his thoughts in an instant, gazing down at those yellow eyes, which were glowing slightly more than usual with the light shining through the window.

"Saïx… How are you doing?"

"I'm fine, sir. What- what are you doing here?"

"I came to see you. I'm sorry that I haven't come sooner, in fact. I wish I could blame it on paperwork, but that would be a lie. I'm sorry for that."

"No, you have nothing to be sorry for… Although, if it wasn't your work that kept you away, then what was it? I was sure you'd have come by now to… discuss my actions…"

Xemnas sighed, turning to glance at the window.

"That's the reason I've been avoiding this conversation. But I'm here now, and I find that I must ask you. What were you thinking going on that mission, and alone, nonetheless? I congratulate your victory, but what were you trying to prove?"

Xemnas turned back towards Saïx, now finding the Diviner averting his gaze, looking towards the opposite wall.

"I'm sorry for my actions, Superior, please believe me on that…"

Saïx seemed so weary still… His voice still didn't hold its usual tone, and even in the moon his eyes appeared slightly overcast. He wasn't doing as well as Xemnas had hoped he would be, as Vexen had even stated in his latest report.

"If you would explain your actions, then I will know if I am able to believe you."

Saïx nodded slowly, turning his gaze back towards Xemnas, shame apparent in his eyes.

"I wanted to prove that you need not doubt me, Superior. That you can trust me with anything, no matter what. I was upset when you didn't choose me to do this mission for you, a mission of such importance, but then… You said that this was a mission that you could not risk me on. And, I'm sorry, Superior, but… Why do you think I'm a risk on missions? Am I a burden, or do I not do my job properly and to the fullest effect?"

The honesty on his face was apparent. Saïx really believed himself to be a- a burden…? Suddenly Xemnas realized the grave mistake he had made.

"Saïx… You've misunderstood me. Or rather, the conclusion you've reached, while logical, isn't the correct conclusion."

Saïx stared up at his Superior in doubt.

"Then, what was the true meaning of your words?"

"Saïx, I didn't mean that I couldn't risk sending you on this mission or else it wouldn't succeed. I meant I couldn't risk sending you on this mission, and sending you into harm's way."

The Luna Diviner tilted his head slightly, a dawning understanding coming to his eyes even though he appeared unable to believe what he was hearing.

"It was strange when I first realized this… feeling I had, when you were not present in the castle. On the occasions that you were sent on missions I found myself wondering about you constantly. If you were keeping safe, if you would be harmed, and how sever this harm would be. You've always been one of my most dependable, strongest members, and yet you have an uncanny ability to find even more threats that must be dealt with, sometimes exceeding your limits… And it terrifies me, Saïx. For you to deal with these things alone… I don't want you to be alone."

Silence swept over the room, Saïx letting the words that had just been spoken to him sink in. It was something that he had never expected to hear, even though the words were wonderful to him.

"You didn't want me on the mission, out of fear for me?"

"Yes… It's a foolish fear; you're capable of taking care of yourself, as you've proven on many occasions. But I can't help but worry about you, Saïx; and anything I can do to protect you, then I will."

Had he meant to say that? Well, no matter now, it was out in the open. Saïx looked almost as shocked by these words as Xemnas felt.

"Superior…"

"Just seeing you now, in pain… I can't take it, Saïx. If I could take your pain, I believe I would."

"Superior, you can't mean that. I've sworn to protect you, and-"

"And I'm swearing now to do whatever I can to protect you, Saïx. Never doubt that. I will be your strength when you find yours is at its limit. I will be your shield, your armor, anything that you need me be."

As much as he wanted to stop it, Saïx could still feel a tear leaving a cool trail on his cheek. And the next instant, Xemnas had leaned down and softly kissed the tear away. He leaned back, gazing into Saïx's shocked eyes.

"I'm here for you, Saïx. Whatever happens in the future, we'll face it, together."

"Xemnas, I…"

Saïx fell silent when Xemnas suddenly leaned in, placing his lips against those of the Berserker.

A few moments later and it was over, Xemnas placing a hand on Saïx's cheek.

"Promise me, Saïx. Promise me that whatever happens, you'll allow me to be your strength."

Saïx brought a hand up, placing it upon Xemnas's, holding his Superior there.

"I promise; as long as you will allow me to represent your hope. For the future, for the Organization, for us… Let me give you the hope you need, the determination. If ever you find yourself lost in the dark, then let me be your light."

"Saïx, you've always been my light, my shining light of the moon."

Saïx gave a soft smile, more stray tears falling loose from his yellow eyes. Xemnas ran a finger across Saïx's cheek, catching the escaped tears, before leaning in and once more placing his lips against Saïx's as the clouds drifted across the moon.

And yet, Saïx had never before felt as strong as he did in that moment.


End file.
